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Peer Mediator Training Workshop Presenter Notes - view page 08, view page 09, view page 10, view ALF
08 Some Useful Probes for Active Listening
09
Two Active Listening Opportunities
10 Active Listening Worksheet
ALF - A List of Some Feeling Words
Need MITs in Quads with workbooks and pen/pencil.
The List of Some Feeling Words at hand, somewhere--one/MIT.
Focus on Feelings poster readily visible
Krista & Michelle role play handout for one pre-selected MIT and trainer - text provided below for cut/paste/print purposes.
EXECUTIVE SUMMARIES
Begin by restating the definition of mediation as a process which is cooperative (working toward shared interests) that helps disputants to find their own win-win solutions to their dispute. Refer back to video and the manner in which those mediators behaved. Neither took sides in the dispute. Their active listening skills helped them to do this. One presenter briefly discuses the difference between hearing and listening wherein listening involves a particular "focus" on what is heard. A daydreaming student may hear a teacher but is not listening by our definition here.
Active listening is an even higher level of "listening." It is in fact, a communication skill used by professional mediators as well as many adults in the "helping" professions such as psychotherapy. It facilitates disputant expression, recognizes disputant self worth and promotes understanding from a neutral mediator stance.
On the writing board, a presenter writes: "Listen, Ask questions, Restate"
Focus on feelings! Emphasis is now placed on how to ask feeling level and related questions. This saves time as we get at the hearts of the disputants which leads us to the heart of the matter (dispute). Refer freely to the Focus on Feelings display poster throughout your discussion here. Feelings are not all the information that we need BUT are important to express and to look at.
Expand these concepts - LISTEN, ASK QUESTIONS, RESTATE - with, "listen for the main idea, problems, issues, concerns, needs, including feelings." ALF is a handout to be distributed at this point (or it may be in one of the workbook pockets) to be used in our work now and then placed in the inside pocket of our workbook for future reference.
A rule of thumb for identifying feelings is that one can substitute, "I am" for "I feel" and still have the sentence make sense. And, as we learned in the last century, feelings are neither right nor wrong; they just are. Ferreting out feelings may involve saying, "I think that I heard you say _________ . Can you tell me how that feels?" And, "Help me to understand how you feel about that" is often fruitful. Or, echoing back the last few words only in a questioning voice inflection, sometimes, gives a disputant "permission or invitation" to continue. If no feeling words are used by a disputant, a mediator can ask, "Does it make you feel sad, glad, mad, bad?" The rhyme seems to be non threatening to some.
We begin to "lance the boil" in this questioning strategy. The direction of questioning which includes the words, " . . .you feel?" keeps the focus on feelings and on the disputants. In all that follows, we keep the focus on the two people before us and their dispute and not stray off toward judging or assuming information about third parties. There is such temptation to avoid the issues of hard feelings. Keep the dispute WITH the disputants, also. Do not offer solutions or advice. Pretend that you are wearing your "Teflon reflector suit" at all times. Gently and persistently return the issues BACK to disputants that they may grapple with them under your caring control. Never, in any manner, attack disputants with your questions--be careful to avoid judgments in your questioning. Act as if you are totally ignorant of the situation and you need them to tell you about it. This helps to preserve your necessary neutrality. Remember, that what you are hearing is what the other disputant is also hearing. You help them to communicate with each other through you at this point!
Page 8, ALP, has many examples of probes to facilitate process as we will now see in our brief role play demonstration involving two role play readers who set the scene prompt for a whole class discussion.
A selected MIT gets the part of Michelle to read aloud after the trainer reads the background of the Krista & Michelle role play.
Below is the role play information for cut, paste & print purposes, if desired.
In the ensuing mini role play which follows, we want the MITs to begin to use their active listening skills as a whole group (for now) so as to begin to develop their confidence as inquiring mediators. They listen, and then, express active listening behavior via probing questions or responses. We, as presenters, could possibly start with an example such as, "What I hear you saying is that you are mad at Krista for not taking good care of your sweater..." Or we could let them ponder this "opening" a bit without an example by saying, "Now what?" It's the presenters' decision. Eventually, however, refer the MITs to the ALP page for some (or more) opening question or "probe" ideas. Next we ask the MITs to offer their suggestions for active listening questions as we develop the topic. THEY MAY SIMPLY USE THE ALP EXAMPLES IN ANY ORDER THAT FITS.
Use the target (on the heart) portion of the Focus on Feelings poster to show MITs how close they come to hitting the bull's eye in their attempt to design and ask feeling-related and feeling-evoking questions of Michelle. I move my pointer finger about the target area to provide instant feedback and positive reinforcement or encouragement to the struggling MITs. This is a key point in training. Asking effective questions during a mediation saves enormous amounts of time. Feelings and facts should both be addressed here.
As an editor asks a reporter to do, we want them to "get the story" but with compassion, of course. "I" statements are, by far, the preferred form of probing so as to avoid an "attacked" feeling on the part of the disputant (Michelle). Examples are, "I heard you say . . ." or "Help me to understand _________ when I heard you say _______."
Rather than saying, "You're not being clear," say, "I don't understand." Direct the class to use at least one "I" type of statement so that they can see and feel its results on disputant (Michele's) responsiveness since we have a "live" Michele here. Presenters could interrupt here and ask Michele how the "I" statement felt. The focus is also on the listening part of the process wherein they integrate something of what they've heard or surmised from the speaker (Michele) into their question or statement.
When we've asked Michelle all of our selected or "created" questions, we query her to see if we asked her enough of the "right" kinds of questions and gave her "accepting" feedback to her answers to our questions. "How did you, as Michelle, feel about how you were listened to, etc?" We want to drive home the idea of the need for a disputant to be allowed to vent, to feel accurately heard and to feel some relief from tension so that a little "room for reasoning" may then be opened that can possibly, later, lead to dispute resolution. If these factors are not present for Michelle, we need to ask more questions based on her feedback of her needs. Ultimately, the greatest gift that mediators will give their disputants is their gift of effective active listening. Take time here to ask the other MITs to place themselves in Michelle's "shoes" and sense how they would feel regarding being heard. "Where could we have done better?" is the final discussion question for this segment. In all we do, we want to lower defenses rather than raise them. Next we move to some quad work.
We begin the quad work, now, by referring the MITs to the ALO sheet. A presenter reads the first scenario on ALO to the whole group. Each quad will soon discuss three possible active listening probes to use to begin resolving the issue in question and, then complete ALW. BUT FIRST, before they do this, we suggest this "talk show host" mentality idea: If MITs consider themselves as the "host" of a talk show and that they need to ask effective questions and give meaningful answers that encourage their guest to continue to speak in an "enlightening" manner, we would approach the "mentality" of this exercise. Presenters may want to demonstrate this idea here. Use this mentality now as we start our work on ALW. The detailed directions are at the top of the page. Cooperative quad group work/discussion is encouraged here. We are OK with our MITs pondering and struggling a while here in this ALW training exercise as we will return to it in a slightly different and more focused discussion of open style questions shortly.
Close this section with Q & A as needed. Next is non verbal communication. A break here nicely sets the scene for the dramatic "hook" for non verbal communication coming on the next page of the workbook.
Below is some additional background information regarding ALF, ALP, ALO, ALW for presenters
ALF, A LIST OF SOME FEELING WORDS can be used to test our "I am" rule (above) by having the MITs try saying, to themselves, "I am" before reading some of the feeling words. Distribution of this sheet can occur when convenient prior to the discussion of feelings and mediation described above. It may be placed in the inside front of the workbook before we start, if desired.
ALP, Some Useful Probes for Active Listening, is presented in the context of the disputants having said something already such as a statement within part of the initial statement process. Rather than have disputant's statement just hang in space, the skilled mediator responds with language which helps to draw out more of the disputant's story. The skill desired, of course, is to know what sort of statement back (the active part of listening) should the mediator employ for a given disputant statement. The order of presentation individually, or as a group on the sheet (ALP) is immaterial. For example, "I hear you saying. . . " from the second group, "Restating. . . ,) might be the very first response statement a mediator in active listening mode might use. The use of these probes is situation-dependent, always. Also, the use of our awareness of non verbal communication and hidden agendas (in the training to come) as well as the use of open style questions (also in the training ahead) are not linearly arranged, but instead, are employed together from this point on. But, since we experience time in a linear fashion, we will study them in a linear fashion, but employ them holistically. The seasoned mediator jumps all around using these skills and sensing their needs simultaneously, it would seem. Pep talks and meetings during the coming year can be used to review these important holistic type "skills." This training assumes that MITs will venture out with a vague awareness of these skills, try them, reflect on their own ability to put them to good use, and eventually, integrate them into a sort of unconscious competence which just "happens" as they work in their dedicated and caring manner. But proceed in our linear training fashion today, we must.
Mediators will no doubt be prone to some personal judgments regarding the disputants--it's human nature! These judgments become "attacks" upon disputants if mediators are not aware of them in themselves. Mediators need to continually frame their thinking in neutrality. This will help them to act and facilitate in a neutral manner with unconditional positive regard for both disputants.
ALO, Two Active Listening Opportunities, has two scenarios of which trainer may only wish to use one today depending upon time constraints. Trainers are asked to read aloud a scenario as students follow silently. MITs then select silently some of the questions from the "probes" (ALP) sheet.
Once selected (or made up), MITs write their probing questions onto the appropriate field on the third sheet, Active Listening Worksheet (ALW). The goal is to write the most process-helping questions possible. MITs then will have listened, processed, and produced--reflective of H.O.T.S. which are very helpful here. Remind them that they must continue to listen, even after their magnificent question is stated. Often, the mediation process moves quickly and we want to maintain our momentum.
Invite and then answer any questions about active listening. Remind them that this is just the tip of the iceberg of this skill and that they should think about these ideas tonight. Ask themselves, How can I as a mediator be most helpful to the disputants in front of me?
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