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Peer Mediator Training Workshop Presenter Notes - view page 02
02 Conflict Management Continuum
Need: MITs in quads with workbooks and pen/pencil
EXECUTIVE SUMMARY
We begin by re-stating (from the "hook") that conflict means to "strike together" and now we are now going to quickly look at some of the ways of managing conflict in society. Relationships is in big print because that is where conflict and its origins reside. How could we ever have conflict without relationship to some one, thing, or thought? We employ a large poster to help to explain this concept. One origin, and the seminal one for certain, is separate interests that we bring into relationships. Other origins are also introduced and we mention that separate interests exist in all relationships. They are often seen as wants, needs, fears, concerns, etc. of the individual within the relationship. We all have them! Next is expectations (really a separate interest) which, when not met, give rise to many a conflict. The dissonance between expectations and our experience generates emotions. Keying off of expectations, we then discuss the concept of change through learning which often is a source of emotions involving expectations. Kids may relate to this upset because a "significant other" has grown (changed) and expectations are thereby "violated" as new behavior then manifests in that person. Schools are about change and learning!
MITs are asked to draw from memory, some examples of conflict of which they are aware. As we begin to study conflict management, and mediation in particular, we want to be able to better notice the amount of conflict that is continually around us. It's there and we must look at it as mediators and then get our disputants to look at it with us. From the twelve page pdf booklet, Conflict Management, page 2 top, we note that it is not "love" that makes the world go around, it is "conflict." Below conflict lies a subconscious "rabbit hole" of exploration of deeply forgotten guilt--a discussion for another lifetime's workshop.
Without getting too depressed about it, let's begin look around us for just how much this, "conflict drives the world," theory is true. For if we are to work with conflict, we must begin to look at it! We thrive, as a species, on conflict. A story without the tension of conflict among the characters is considered boring! Good news is rare within a half hour program of nightly news. The best of year movie a few years back, Crash!, was a good example in the study of conflict and how it drives our culture. Watch it again with this conflict idea in mind. We think it depicts our reality quite well--I was going to say nicely. But, there's hope--beginning with our awareness.
On CMC several icons are used to depict some elements of shared interests vs. separate interests. They are also on a different axis from the "< War-Fight - > Choose to Ignore " line (the world's way) indicating that mediation techniques leading to "process"can transcend (fly over) that line on a totally different "axis" of thought. It is vitally important to note, however, that process must occur and denial of anger etc. is not helpful. We must look at the conflict elements along the way to solution.
A fundamental element of the process is effective communication skills employed by the mediators. Listening and questioning skills with a focus on the feelings beneath conflict are to be taught soon in the workshop. Neil Diamond fans will recognize the lyric, "What I feel is what I am . . ." part of a song of his. We use some feeling words and questions to save time in mediations to get at the heart (literally, the disputant's hearts) of the matter. The graphic of the miniature golf style windmill with turning blades represents the sort of defenses that we must get past to travel from a point of conflict involving disputants' separate interests to a point where we can focus on their shared interests, or their common ground. Skill and timing are involved. But first, the blinding energy of strong feelings must be looked at and acknowledged and finally allowed to dissipate. If allowed to fester, that energy will block our path. Feeling-related questions become a means of expressing those feelings and truly surfacing the conflict with the facing of feelings. When each disputant is made aware of the other's feelings, communication at a profound level can begin to occur and disputants can then begin to better address their issues. If feelings are not addressed, our mediation process becomes something other than mediation and healing. Some caution should be observed so as to not make this a "sensitivity" session, however. That's where the timing comes in with the judicious use of feeling-related questions as well as point clarifying questions. And, never, absolutely never, should questions be of an nature, or in a tone, which implies or expresses attack on a disputant by a mediator. Mediators are not Judge Judy! Mediators may kindly ask, if they cannot understand something, "Please help me better to understand . . I'm a little confused about_______ " Mediators must use the means of peace to reach the ends of peace.
The six step model of mediation ( see LP, center) will set the scene for that process of shifting from attack to peace on the part of disputants. It is through process that we can transcend the judgment-fear-attack-defend cycle--major or minor--and get disputants out of a mess they seem to be experiencing and to the peace they can seek. A form of forgiveness results with disputants changing their minds about their current dispute through our process of mediation which allows them to look at things another way which includes knowing the other's feelings about aspects of this issue. Their new perspectives allows for new choices based on new awareness, including the entertaining of thoughts of peace.
Today's workshop will be a lot about process, then. It includes interaction and communication designed to train MITs to allow disputants (remember the poem) to change their inner process of choice to another choice--another way - one that leads them out of their (currently lose-lose) conflict without planting the seeds (a win-lose solution) for a future conflict over the same issue--in whatever disguise. Successful mediation process gives disputants' inner decision maker more options. We all have conflict from time to time, but we have a way of managing the inevitable conflicts, one at a time, and in a healing and self-enforcing agreement manner (i.e., a win-win solution).
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